wanna go halves on a baby?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
