in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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