This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
