Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
