She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
