I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The struggles of a small town man whore
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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