Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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