I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
