Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
