I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
