remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
