I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
