The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
