she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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