96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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