She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
