if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Randomize
