Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
