At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You took a bar mat shot.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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