Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
