I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
