i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
