So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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