And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
