Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
