He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
