I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
