Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
