I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
