SEEEEXXX PLEASE
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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