I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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