Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
