I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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