I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
