he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
