so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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