I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
