I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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