you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
