I got chris browned last night
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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