yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Randomize
