I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
