You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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