Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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