i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
