I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
literally had 100 drinks last night.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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