yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
