Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
