why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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