just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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