I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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