3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
