Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize