I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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