I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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