he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
