I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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