I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Randomize
