I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize