Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
