I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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