Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
